i am a mother

6 months later, and it still seems completely surreal to me.

I am a mother. I have a child. He depends on me every day to eat, to grow, to learn, to enjoy, to laugh, to work, to sleep, to give him stability and to give him love. For some time now I've been meaning to start a series of motherhood posts, if nothing more than for my own self documenting, starting with the birth and moving forward, since I've never written it down. So that's my goal, to start getting to that now. Hold me to it.

In the meantime, Sunday was Mother's Day, and it was simple and lovely. I got flowers from my husband and flowers from church. The ward got all the women primary teachers out of teaching during the last hour so we could attend Relief Society, and I'm so glad, because a. I needed a break and b. I loved the lesson (see post below). I was also surprised and flattered to see my little primary kids (sunbeams, ages 3-4) flustered with the fact that I wouldn't be with them during class that day. The girl I thought didn't even notice me or ever listen to anything because she's busy in her own world came running to me down the hall, screaming with tears streaming down her face (running away from her male teacher for the day, poor guy). The boy with an excessive amount of energy and an over-expression of his emotions told his mom he wanted "Sister Smith" when she asked him who of all his friends he wanted over for a playdate, "because she's my friend." They like me! This is positive reinforcement for me knowing that someday my children will be that age and I will have to understand them, know how to make them happy, and help them learn, just like I'm doing with the sunbeams now. And after my feeling of lacking in certain primary teaching (aka entertaining) skills the first few weeks in January, this was a reassuring week.

After church Jon made me dinner (he also made me breakfast and lunch before church) and we went out on a walk in the perfect weather—FINALLY, I was so done with the straight week of rain we'd been having. We came home and called our moms and went to bed. Ahhh, I love sleeping. Thank you Jon for always being so grateful for me and for helping me become the mother I hope to be. I love love love being with Van and I love all the things I'm learning. It's like seeing all these things inside of me surface and find their place—new skills, new emotions, new work, new love. Van made me a mother, and I'm so grateful for that, I'm loving every minute (minus a few blow-out diaper/orange spit up minutes, but to clarify those are made up by all his scooting/laughing/smiley minutes). :)

I'm so grateful to all the women in my life (mom, sisters, grandmothers, in-laws, mothers and not-yet-mothers alike) that have shaped who I am, who have given me inspiring examples of love and kindness, who have given me the courage to be who I want to be and to stretch myself to who I can become, who have loved me unconditionally and who I now think of daily when I'm trying to raise my son in the best way I can. I could not be doing this with out any and all of them. Thank you for showing me the joy of motherhood, and for sharing that joy with me now. I have also been blessed with amazing in-laws that I love and admire in so many ways! And thanks especially to my own mom, who came out here when Van was born and saved me when I needed to rest and when I had no idea what to do with an infant. She made it fun, she made us smile, and she gave me confidence. You're a lifesaver mom!

I still can't get over it. I. Am. A mom.

I love it.